The ads only pointed out some facts that all Americans already know. Obama is a radical Muslim as we know from his association with Rev. Wright. Blacks only vote for him because he signs their welfare checks. And his blackness is the only proof any sane person needs to realize he is not the legitimate President of the United States. Oh and this magical blackness and metrosexual, Lincolonian demeanor also shield him from Republican attacks. Does that seem like extreme race baiting to you? I didn’t think so!

The icing on the cake was Joe was willing to hire a black person to be his spokesmen, hopefully exploiting the kink in the armor of Obama’s chocolaty hue. Don’t worry the job posting for the ad specifically stated said black person had to be literate. So if your black and can read Joe Ricketts just created a job for you.

Romney in another display of weak will that has become the hallmark of his campaign, and of all French men, disavowed the ads.

We here at Dealspice, like all Republicans, are fascinated and repulsed by homosexuality. Thoughts of muscular male psyche dance through are minds constantly. Ask Rick Santorum, it hard to think of new ways to keep these muscle-bound, donkey-dicked activists from changing the definition of marriage.

Homosexuality could destroy the American family as we know it. If given the opportunity all men would desert their wives for popper fueled, body glitter adorned sex with one another and then there would be no coming back.  We are a hare’s breath away from the collapse of western civilization as we know it.

I have researched the subject of homosexuality first hand. I have gone undercover to gay bars and bathhouses to study these repulsive behaviors first hand. The pictorial evidence I have gathered, and review constantly, shows just how bad homosexual men can be. From the slenderest of twinks to the burliest of bears, these guys spell trouble.

I would like to throw my full support behind Romney’s firing of Grenell. Unless Grenell is willing to come over to my house for some weight lifting, wine, and a thorough review of my evidence on homosexual behavior followed by his denunciation of homosexuality, I cannot support him.

As conservative men we are confounded, terrified, and unnerved by vaginas. I assume women feel the same way. By stopping women from getting the health services we need we are hoping to rid the world of vaginas all together. No need to thank us, ladies. Where will babies come from? Immaculate conception of course!

Liberals don’t seem to understand that conception begins the moment the thought of sex enters a women’s mind. If we don’t stop women from even thinking about sex they are all guilty of baby murder! It will be hard to not think about sex when a doctor is shoving a camera in your vagina, but you can do it.

It may be true that women only make $.75 for every $1.00 men make but that is an effect of the free market, which to us conservatives is the answer to everything. By repealing equal pay laws we are just letting the market do its thing. It not sexism that accounts for women earning less, the only logical explanation is they are only working 75% as hard as men.

Paul Ryan’s budget offers a radical view of America. Instead of being treated at hospitals the insured are turned away. Take an aspirin, grandma! Food stamps are eliminated; try eating actual stamps, lazy poors. Immigrants you are going to get self-deported, at gun point. Finally a vision for America I can stand behind.

Don’t worry though, it’s not all cuts. Ryan gives back in the form of massive tax breaks for our richest, thus most needy, corporations and citizens (which are the same thing). Fiscal conservatives will be happy too, because it balances the budget (theoretically, in the year 2040 if billions in unspecified revenue come in).

Romney, thankfully, has had the courage to endorse this new direction for our great land. Maybe having a cold, calculating machine as President of the United States is good thing?

He has the skills but could you sit down and drink a beer with him? No, because he is Mormon. Also liquid may cause him to short circuit. If you want to connect with Romney remember that he USB compatible and Windows/Mac OS friendly.

We caught up with some people in the Romney camp at one of these stops as they were changing some gears in Mr. Romney and oiling him up. He said “Mitt Romney is a normal billionaire like you or me. He goes home every night, plugs himself into the outlet for a healthy charge, interfaces with friends and family and then goes into hibernate mode.” So there you have it Mitt Romney is not a wash cloth or a piece of wood.

Increasingly it appears that Mitt Romney, the French born Massachusetts liberal, will be our party’s nominee. I am going to resist every urge I am having (as all good Christians do) to bash him because he is moderately better than our current Muslim socialist president, Barack Obama. It’s a tough pill to swallow for the millions of Republicans who want to see interracial marriage outlawed, porn banned, and gays imprisoned. Republicans need to keep government where it belongs in the bedroom not in the hospitals, schools, or police stations.

It’s not all bad news however. This cycle has seen the Republican Party become more conservative than ever! Finally people want to bring this country to the glory days of the 1950s when separate was equal, the pill was a crime, and mines lined the Mexican American border. We here at Deal Spice will continue to fight the good fight. Join us!

Rick Santorum is strong on marriage, as in he hates and fears gays. Proverbs 12:4 Describes how Jesus rode through the dessert slaughtering gay’s indiscriminately “…and so the Jesus set off with a mighty cudgel and painted the dessert red with the blood of the sodomites”. I expect Santorum to do something similar.

The Bible also describes how Jesus hated free loading poor people, like my man Rick. “Smother thine orphans, drown thine elderly, and drink the blood of the infirmed” Leviticus 6:9. Rick Santorum knows that Jesus was hard as hell and showed no mercy upon his fellow man. He chooses all the right biblical passages to follow and ignores all the boring ones (loving your fellow man, helping the less fortunate and other filler section of the good book).

Rick Santorum understands that America is a diverse place. He knows we need to wipe that diversity out for good and that is why he should be the next American president. It is what Jesus would want.

For a media raised on the delicate cocaine of previous elections 2012 hit the cable news cycles with the explosively volatility and addictive nature of crack – and now the glass stem is exploding in the face of the Republican electorate.

-Ross Perot

My good personal friend and Deal Spice political advisor Ross Perot said that to me last night when we found out that Newt Gingrich had lost the Florida Republican Primary and indeed the battle for the soul of the Republican Party. Mitt Romney, the French born democrat, is a liberal media puppet (like the Muppets) designed to destroy America (like Sharia law). The liberal media was able to pit the zany 90s holdovers of party ideology (Ron Paul) against the Christian conservative movement (Rick Santorum). What did we end up with? A feeble liberal not hard enough  on social issues (shipping gays to Canada, stopping women from touching themselves or even thinking about it) and not laissez faire enough on fiscal ones (yanking the government teat out of the mouth of America’s freeloading poor, granting children the right to work in coal mines).

We cannot trust Romney to protect women from themselves, children from an education, and everyone else from a Islam. Deal Spice is telling fellow conservatives to elect Newt and save the party this Super Tuesday!

Anyone following the news knows his loss is a result of a conspiracy by socialists, the right wing establishment, the liberal media, the real people behind 9/11, and the illuminati against Newt. They fear the change he represents. I want to set the record straight, Newt may have some negative things in his past (a slew of ethics investigations, cheating on his wife constantly, having everyone he has ever worked with publically criticize him) but he is a changed man. Attacks pointing to his record or quoting him are simply unfair.

Now some people have said that Newt Gingrich is too crazy, evil, unstable and mean to be president. Those things have not stopped some of history’s great leaders like Stalin and Pol Pot. Other have said Newt is unelectable. Great leaders don’t get elected; they seize power, which is exactly what Newt wants to do. Who are we to stand in his way?

Mitt Romney is a liberal masquerading as a conservative. Until I see a birth certificate proving that he was born here and not France, I am deeming him eligible for the US presidency. His liberal policies would raise taxes on billionaires, educate poor children, and illegalize straight marriage. Newt Gingrich would imprison the poor, drive all immigrants (legal and illegal) into the sea, and finally outlaw the barbaric practice of having hospitals treat sick people without insurance. You have to pay to play in this nation’s healthcare system!

Young people should be mobilizing for swingin’ speaker Newt Gingrich. He was in an open marriage (without his wife even knowing!). It doesn’t get more progressive than that. Former aides describe all night sexual romps with college republicans and fund raisers with more body shots then an Arizona State student’s 21^st birthday part. Gingrich understands young people (his wife is 23 years younger than him).