Republican Brawl

January 27th, 2012 by OrenS No comments »

Deal SpiceAnyone watching the Republican Debate last night was privy to one of the most emotional, embittered, and negative debates in our nation’s history. It was pretty great. Unfortunately Newt Gingrich, official Deal Spice endorsed candidate (along with Ron Paul), took something of a bruising. His doughy body may still be jiggling from the punishing blows.

Anyone following the news knows his loss is a result of a conspiracy by socialists, the right wing establishment, the liberal media, the real people behind 9/11, and the illuminati against Newt. They fear the change he represents. I want to set the record straight, Newt may have some negative things in his past (a slew of ethics investigations, cheating on his wife constantly, having everyone he has ever worked with publically criticize him) but he is a changed man. Attacks pointing to his record or quoting him are simply unfair.

Now some people have said that Newt Gingrich is too crazy, evil, unstable and mean to be president. Those things have not stopped some of history’s great leaders like Stalin and Pol Pot. Other have said Newt is unelectable. Great leaders don’t get elected; they seize power, which is exactly what Newt wants to do. Who are we to stand in his way?

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Deal Spice Political Report: Mitt Romney – Threat to the American Way

January 20th, 2012 by OrenS No comments »

deal spaceMitt Romney, the French speaking Massachusetts moderate, looks poised to capture the South Carolina primaries and sail to the Republican nomination. This is the biggest threat to America since Sharia Law. France goes against everything the Unites States of America stands for. It is the little known fourth member in Bush’s axis of evil.

Mitt Romney is a liberal masquerading as a conservative. Until I see a birth certificate proving that he was born here and not France, I am deeming him eligible for the US presidency. His liberal policies would raise taxes on billionaires, educate poor children, and illegalize straight marriage. Newt Gingrich would imprison the poor, drive all immigrants (legal and illegal) into the sea, and finally outlaw the barbaric practice of having hospitals treat sick people without insurance. You have to pay to play in this nation’s healthcare system!

Young people should be mobilizing for swingin’ speaker Newt Gingrich. He was in an open marriage (without his wife even knowing!). It doesn’t get more progressive than that. Former aides describe all night sexual romps with college republicans and fund raisers with more body shots then an Arizona State student’s 21st birthday part. Gingrich understands young people (his wife is 23 years younger than him).

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Deal Spice Politcal Report: 2012- Politics, Apocalypse, and Copying Machines

January 12th, 2012 by OrenS No comments »
deal spice

Ron Paul: Charlatan, Hustler or Last Great American Hope?

For all us conspiracy theorists, doom prophesiers, political extremists, and Ron Paul supporters 2012 is an exciting year. We have the Mayan apocalyptic prediction to play with as well as the republican primaries and presidential election.

Now if we are going to spread the word about all the important stuff going on this year (as well as all the secret stuff the media is too scared to reporter on) we are going to need color copies. My apocalyptic bunker has a full office with a 2 xerox copy machines, the amount of political information I disseminate I am not about to pay Staples copying prices. Regardless, yelling at people from our cars, at malls, or in front of town hall just doesn’t have the same impact without some salacious political pamphlets. These can easily be printed at home away from Uncle Sam’s watchful gaze.

I love America, that is why I am endeavoring to save it with cryptic and divisive conspiracy politics. Now many of the people in my political junta think the world will end come 12/12/12. I believe this to be true but I am hedging my bets by participating in the political process. Besides what else are you going to do? Twiddle your thumbs till the four horsemen show up? You need political extremism to pass the time.

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Deal Spice Political Report: The Welfare State

January 11th, 2012 by OrenS No comments »

deal spiceThere has been a lot of talk lately in the Republican primaries about welfare freeloaders (injured veterans, orphans, the elderly, etc.). I for one could not agree more with Newt Ginrich’s recent statement “Black people, stop maxin’ and relaxin’ on welfare”. Go tell it on the mountain, Newt! All these freeloaders eating their government issued Chilean sea bass in truffle oil and duckling a l’orange.

I don’t know how many times I have seen Obama issued Bentleys on my block driving to the welfare office to get their government money. Obama has been behind some of the most heinous political misdeeds of the decade like expanding health insurance and nutrition programs for kids. I am fully supporting Newt Gingrich in changing the term orphan to American prosperity organ bank. I also agree with his decision to loosen child labor laws so that parents can sell their children to coal mining companies. Get to work you lazy bums!

Newt Gingrich is the only candidate who understands that the less fortune where put on this earth not to receive our compassion but to be a source of labor, ridicule, and should we need it, food. The Deal Spice political team is fully supporting Gingrich in 2012.

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McDonalds

December 13th, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

Deal SpiceMcDonalds plays an important role in the life of any cost conscious individual. They provide ketchup, salt, pepper, sugar, mayonnaise, and a coffee creamer like substance at no cost. I would suggest to anyone seeking to save money to spend at least one night a week at a McDonalds.

McDonalds is great because the condiments (which are where you want to be) are by the trash. When someone gets up throw away the last two chicken nuggets in an order of 36 you can relieve them of their tray and the spoils are yours. McDonalds’ food is too sterile to spread germs so even if the person who just threw out those fries has a mouth full of soars, you are in the clear.

Before you leave the restaurant put as much of the aforementioned condiments in your bag. Load up like a mule about to walk the silk-road.

When it comes to using McDonald’s condiments you have to get creative. Ketchup is basically just sugar so you can use that to sweeten your coffee. Mayonnaise is rich in fat so it makes great food for pets and livestock. Instead of milk, drink the little shots of coffee creaming solution, you will be surprised how quickly you will forget the taste of milk. Don’t forget to load up on salt and pepper packs!

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I Haven’t Paid for a Movie Since 1998

December 6th, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

Deal SpiceI haven’t paid for a movie since 1998. That does not, however, mean I do no stay current on film culture. I go to the movies all the time. How you ask? By registering a complaint after every movie I see.

It’s very simple really. I just ask to speak to a manager after the movie and I register any number of vague complaints. The screen was out of focus, young people were talking during the movie, there was nudity. Any of these excuses will work.

Now the manager won’t refund your tickets but what he will do is give you vouchers to see a movie for free. When you use your voucher register another complaint. And so the cycle begins again. A lot of people choose to see movies by pirating them but I am just not ready to give up the theater experience.

As an added bonus if you want a drink or popcorn all you have to do I ask. Grab an empty drink or popcorn container from the floor or garbage and demand a refill. Or you claim you bought a soda or hotdog and dropped it. This sob story usually works. If it doesn’t ,get loud and unruly, eventually they will give you what you want just to settle you down.

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The Great Bean Fallacy

December 2nd, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

Now if you read yesterday’s post on the poor man’s diet you probably remember my telling you to decide to eat only 7 foods for the rest of your life. Now many of you may have chosen beans, and with good reason. They are rich in protein, hobos and drifters have subsided off them for years, and you can cook them in the contain you buy them in. It is very convenient.

However don’t be fooled by big bean into purchasing overpriced baked beans. Baked style beans taste the same and are a lot cheaper. It’s a small distinction but it can mean big bucks. Baked beans where invited in the 1960’s to trick consumers. Before that all canned beans where considered to be in the baked style.

Think of them of them as the generic equivalent of beans or medication. It’s the same thing but cheaper. They taste the exactly the same, and may even have the same ingredients (or at least some of the same ingredients)

So next time you are in the dollar store shopping for groceries and you reach for the beans make sure they are baked style beans, not baked beans. You will be glad you choose baked style.

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Eating the Right Way

December 1st, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

One of the most costly and inconvenient aspects of keeping yourself alive is feeding yourself. It is a bothersome a costly choir. Although we cannot defeat the specter of hunger, why can minimize its effect on our wallets.

Decide on a few cheap food items that you enjoy and eat only those items. Buy them in bulk and eat just those 5 – 8 things. I for one have eaten only eggs, rice, lentils, beans, tomatoes, tofu, and almonds for the past 5 years and I am the picture of health.

Now some of your out there (the more spoiled) are probably thinking, well what if I get bored of the 7 food items that I plan to eat until the day I die? You can use my full proof method for eating restaurant quality food at rock bottom prices. Go to a bar-restaurant. Sit at the bar and order a glass of water, tell the bartender you are waiting for someone. Then perch up on your bar stool and case the joint, be prepared because when the time comes you will need to strike quickly.

After someone has finished eating (or preferably a lot of people) but before the bus boys have cleared the table is when you strike. Wait for people who left a lot of food on their plates. Empty their dishes into some Tupperware or a bag and out the door you go into the night with a restaurant quality meal.

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Bleach: The Only Cleaning Product you Need

November 29th, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

Now there are a lot of cleaning products out there. Shampoo, De-lousing powder, facial cleanser, conditioner, just to name a few. Now I hate to tell you this, but if you have ever bought any of these products you’re a fool.

There are also a number of home cleaning products out there. Windex, surface cleaner, disinfectants, rug shampoo. These are also all scam products. Big soap tells you that you need a complex area of soaps, scrubs, and salts to stay clean and to keep your home clean. I am about to tell you one word that will change your life BLEACH.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why Bleach? Why not just use shampoo to clean your dog, floor, fridge, self, and windows. Or Windex for that matter? Because bleach is ultra-concentrated so a spoonful in a bucket of water creates a solution that can clean anything from furniture to exotic pets. Use it on your shower or tube, and use it on yourself in the shower or tube.

I buy one bottle of bleach every 3 years and that is enough cleaning power for me, two roommates, 4 pets, everything in our apartment and for one shower every 2 -4 days. Big soap is does not want you to know this.

Just don’t let any get in your eyes.

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Staying Clean Without the Laundromat

November 23rd, 2011 by OrenS No comments »

The Laundromat is a demon with an insatiable hunger for quarters. Why feed this monster when you have everything you need to stay clean in your very own home?

Now, if you are anything like me you have a job (sometimes). And if this job requires you to wear clothes, which it will, they will need to be clean.

The same is true of your person. If you are anything like me, you shower (sometimes… other times you rub delousing powder on your body).

Why not combine the two objectives (getting you and your clothing clean for work) in one fell swoop the night before you are slated to work? Simply put on the outfit you plan to wear to work and hop into the shower. Rub soap or bleach (we will get to the importance of bleach later) on your body and your clothes.

When you’re done getting clean hang your outfit to dry in your bathroom or anywhere else in your home to dry.

In the morning you and your clothes will be clean and ready for work.

Now you never need to buy laundry detergent, fabric softner, or feed your hard earned quarters to bunch of overfed, ineffective machines.

Rage against the machines. Shower with your clothes on.

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